A Prayer to My God

PETEY (broken). Stan, don’t let them tell you what to do!

Harold Pinter, The Birthday Party

To my mate who has made me speak and many-a-times times stayed there to listen.

To my family that has accepted me for who I was beyond any social expectations, moral norms or obligations.

To my friends who have stayed there, simply just stayed there, knowing their presence was healing.

To my little cat Drulyte who was there to provide the much needed moments of peace.

To my precious little car named Clio that flipped and crashed and yet protected me from being harmed.

To the passer-by who was brave enough to show kindness at the expense of their own heart.

To my Guardian Angel whose fatherly glance I still feel as he hovers above my shoulder.

To all of those I have loved and lost, but never allowed myself grief for.

To my God who appears in so many shapes and forms and somehow persistently proves his presence.

To him who is not Allah, nor Krishna, nor Jesus and not even the dancing Lord Shiva. To the God the reflection of which I have never ceased seeing in me and in those that surround me.

I pray you, let me love less. Let me love more sparingly, less self-consumingly.

Let me forgive not others, but myself for I have loved so unwisely, so greedily that I have hurt myself.

You have taught me a great deal, you have taught me so well to love my worst enemy, to forgive my own culprit. You have given me a kind heart and allowed people enter it for which I am grateful.

I am grateful for every little scar, every wound and scratch you have left in me, in the very same way that I’m grateful for every ray of light which would warm my heart whenever I was peaceful. Now, I pray you, now let me love myself, let me forgive myself. Let me not desire to be better or worse, but what I am.

Allow me to be me, God, allow me to find that place in the world, in the universe, where I could do what I was meant to with no negotiations with myself or those around me.

Allow me to carry out the mission I have been placed here for with less self-harm and more dignity.

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