The feeling is as follows: you wake up with the thought that you’ll get through the day to just crawl back into bed in the evening and sleep it all off again. That’s on a good day. On a day that’s a bit worse, you will wake up before your alarm clock rings, at some funny hour, very likely 4AM or 5AM, and you won’t be able to do anything, but stare at the ceiling and think.
The thoughts are daunting – how futile life is, how there is no one to trust, how everything’s falling apart, how things are only temporary. If you find strength to do so, you might try and text someone or post a song on facebook, watch a youtube clip or two to take your mind off the thoughts you don’t want to confront and hope they will go away. And so you chase the demons off. For a bit.
As many of the people I have spoken to who are going through something similar (for you tend to surround yourself with the people that experience things like that ‘coz only they can understand) I am hesitant to call it depression. I am hesitant to call it anything. It always seems like it’s just something that should not be happening. It’s something you probably deserve for not doing things right. When you have everything in life that should seemingly make you feel happy, it is difficult not to fall for the idea that not being able to appreciate it is only your fault. So you feel down and, instead of accepting it, you make yourself feel worse because only you yourself must be guilty for it.
While you’re getting through the day it’s not always easy to focus. It’s actually pretty damn difficult to focus on anything, but on the feeling of guilt and self-hatred. You perform daily tasks somewhat obliviously and only end up feeling more useless ‘coz you probably fail at doing things right. The range of moods varies from a complete alienation followed by an intense desire to withdraw to an overwhelming feeling of love towards every living creature and an urge to cling on to anyone who shows even the slightest sign of affection. It can change for up to about fifty times a day (a rough estimate), but nothing really lasts. Nothing seems real. At the end of the day you go back to your bedroom and slam the door shut and put your phone on ‘silent’ mode, so you would not have to answer any calls. You still leave it on, though, so your parents wouldn’t think that you’ve slit your wrists or harmed yourself in any way.
Don’t get me wrong, I would never slit my wrists, I would never do that, though the fear to live often times is much greater than the fear to die. I would never take my own life away – not because I have more sense than those who did, but because I have been blessed with the people who care too much and who have often stayed there to listen without making judgments. I have been fortunate to have a loving family and understanding friends who have offered me a helping hand instead of telling me off for how I was feeling. I have been lucky to have met people who have appreciated me for what I am and have complimented me on my little achievements, no matter how petty, and made me feel like I am doing some things right. That I am worthy of something. Not everyone has been this lucky.
My greatest fear has always been to be misunderstood, so I stayed quiet and listened for a very long time. I thought there’s no way I could ever express things right – so I would not be looked down upon, judged or in other ways misinterpreted. I have been so quiet that at some point I realized that I cannot share my thoughts with anyone which made me deny them and pretend they never existed. But they never ceased to exist, they are here and they can be dark, and they can be daunting. I don’t want to be ashamed of them anymore, ‘coz they are a part of me.
By writing this I express things that concern me, though, don’t get me wrong, I am not seeking pity, advice, or any kind of diagnosis. All I am saying is that I can relate to some things that have been said about depression and I hope that by speaking up, I will help myself get out out of whatever it is that I’m going through. If you know someone who is experiencing something similar – please, just be there to re-assure them that they are allowed to feel what they feel and let them know that there are some things they are doing right. No matter how small or insignificant it seems – it might save their day. It might save their life.