As I sit and look back upon my life, I feel content about my achievements and at peace with that which I now perceive as my failures. But most of all – I feel grateful: for the people I met in my life, for the moments we shared, for the good times and bad times I’ve lived through. I don’t even watch films anymore – I just wander off to places in my mind. I observe my own emotional landscape change as if watching a movie. Triggered by the memory combined with the makings of my imagination, my moods keep swinging up and down until they land in the middle-ground of serenity. I feel like I’ve lived a hundred lives already. The feeling is so powerful that if anyone was to tell me that this was all I was meant to experience in life – I could only say „Thank you. That’s plenty“.
I have acknowledged and admitted that I’ve harmed others while pursuing my own happiness, but mostly – I have harmed myself. I am under no illusion that I will succeed to live up to the self-imposed image of an endlessly kind and harmless person which I once strived to be. Regardless, as I am more self-aware today than I was yesterday, I will now strive to be a little bit more conscientious.
I am not an emotion-less let alone body-less creature strictly managed by the rational thought and I cannot continue aiming to be such either. In the very same way in which I cannot deny my perfectionist mind, I cannot escape my spirituality or my physicality. All of those are a part of me. They are me, though they do not always work in sync: occasionally one of them takes over and pulls me back towards the path of self-destructive behaviour and dysfunctional living patterns.
For the major part of my life, I have rushed through it in the state of blissful ignorance – desperately trying to dismiss the parts of me that didn’t quite fit the puzzle of what I thought ‘a normal life’ should be like. This has led me to the different extremes – from exploring the most unconventional forms of self-expression, to resigning to the rigid norms of socially acceptable; from being the most faithful partner in a committed relationship, to avoiding attachement at all costs; from being a quiet and invisible observer, to shouting “Look at me!” at the top of my lungs. All of those roles were me: I accepted them as part of my life, but I don’t cling on to any one of them. None of them are permanent: they shift, they change – they are fluid.
In my life, I have done some unsavoury things the memories of which will probably haunt me to the day I die. There were times when I felt so overwhelmed by shame – feeling unworthy of any respect or forgiveness – that I desired to disappear from the face of this planet. I prayed for the end of the world. I wanted to run from my past as far as I could, but I’m only glad there were people who held me back – for only facing the bad times has lead me through to the better, more full-filling, times.
From the lessons I’ve learned so far, I now know that my rationality can’t be denied, but it should never be the main source of truth in my life; my spirituality should be cultivated, but it mustn’t be worshipped blindly; my sensuality has got to be tamed, but it can never be ignored altogether. I know that my sensitivity will not allow me to be sensible to the extent that I would like to be. Every day I am learning to befriend my own qualities anew, though I know that in essence – they all spring from the same source. They are one.
Guilty for my wrongdoings, but not ashamed of my flaws – that’s how I perceive that which I am today. That’s why I allow myself the liberty to speak of the things that I’m most tempted to hide. And though the path of painful honesty is always more rough than that of blissful ignorance, I believe that in the long run – it’s worthwhile.
To those I have harmed – I dare not ask for forgiveness, ‘cos forgiveness can only be granted by God, but I want you to know – I regret my wrongdoings deeply.
To those who harmed me – I thank you for the pain you’ve put me through ‘cos suffering has paved me the path to true compassion.
To those I’ve helped – you don’t owe me a thing for if there’s any good deed I’ve performed, I’ve been generously rewarded for it.
To those who have helped me – I’m grateful to you for so graciously undertaking the role of my Guardian Angel.
To those who have ticked all of the above boxes – I love you. From the bottom of my self-destructive and self-resurrecting heart – I love you more than life.