Love*

Matariki [Pleiades star cluster] is an abbreviation of ‘Ngā Mata o te Ariki’ – The Eyes of the God. Māori used the stars to navigate their way around the pacific to Aotearoa as well as plan for the year. Nowadays, it’s used metaphorically to symbolise a new start.

I love my grandmother. I love her very much. I love them both, actually – I love both of my grandmothers. But at the moment I love one of them more. I love her very much because she’s ill.

There is this funny thing about love – we may admire someone for being strong, but we can only truly love them for being weak. For being vulnerable. It is a chance to give – that’s what love is. Loving someone provides you with an opportunity to give. To be needed.

That’s why it is a totally selfish act – loving. Loving someone is the most obscene act of selfishness. It’s offensive to morality. The desire to love. The desire to be needed.

I was raised to be lovable, I think – to look good, to do good, to behave. To be nice and sweet. To fit every possible norm of acceptance. I was taught to please. What I haven’t been told though, what nobody ever bothered to bring up, was that loving someone is so very different than just being lovable.

That’s why I’m no good at loving, I guess. I have plenty of love for the human-kind, but I haven’t got enough love for a single human-being. I have no patience to hear somebody out, I have no strength to follow them through with their hardships, but what I hate the most about loving is this – I just can’t bear to witness my loved one suffer.

Regardless – I do love my grandma. I love her very much. I love them both, actually, I love both of my grandmas.

*written in spring 2018.

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